Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
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The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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