I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
