Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
