Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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