Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
