Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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