I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
