Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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