No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
