But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
