it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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