M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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