haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
