I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
