It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
