So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I cockslap morals
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
