I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
