Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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