do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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