Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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