so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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