the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
