theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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