my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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