I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
