I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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