Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
