I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
