Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
