I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
