4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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