i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
