Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
