Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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