I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
