captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
