Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
