what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
