onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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