Don't make out with my wife yet
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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