Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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