it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize