sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
