he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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