The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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