yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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