just come out here and I will go home with you...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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