you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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