just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
