Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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