Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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