Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
