I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
