I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think your dad took our porno
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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