Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
