I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
