38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
