I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
