I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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