It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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