What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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