I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
