I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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