i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just found a bag of teeth...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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