What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
